Compliments are supposed to make us feel good. They are small gestures that make us feel noticed and appreciated. But not all compliments are as harmless as they seem. Some of them carry meanings that quietly repeat old gender stereotypes. They may sound kind yet they reflect a long history of how women have been judged and compared.
We have all heard such phrases.
“You are not like other women.” “You are so smart for a girl.” “Beauty and brains, that is rare.” “Finally, a woman who is not emotional.” “You do not act like a typical feminist.” “You park really well – for a woman.”
These may sound flattering, but when we look closer, they form a language of hidden sexism. They praise women not for who they are but for how well they fit into what men find comfortable.
Such compliments depend on comparison. They suggest that being a woman is something to rise above. When someone says, “You are not like other women,” it implies that other women are less capable, too emotional, or too dramatic. When they say, “Beauty and brains, that is rare,” it assumes that women cannot be intelligent and attractive at the same time. What seems like appreciation actually divides women. It rewards those who behave according to ideas of what a “good woman” should be.
These patterns show how deeply society defines women through comparison instead of character. A calm woman becomes “reasonable like a man.” A woman who drives well or speaks confidently is praised, but often with a qualifier like “for a girl.” Even normal achievements are treated as special. The words may sound sweet but they carry the belief that women are naturally less capable.
This language is dangerous because it has become so normal. It slips into conversations without notice. Every time such a compliment is spoken, it strengthens the idea that femininity is flawed. It teaches women that to be respected, they must act apart from their gender. Over time, this leads to what feminists call internalized misogyny. It is when women start believing that traits linked to womanhood are inferior.
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People who give these compliments rarely mean harm. They believe they are being kind. But kind words can still cause harm. The effect is a culture that rewards women for hiding their emotions, rejecting feminism, or appearing different from other women. It turns individuality into competition and friendship into rivalry.
To change this, we need to rethink how we give compliments. Because real admiration does not compare or divide.
So, instead of saying, “You are not like other women,” we can say, “You are thoughtful,” or “You have a strong presence.” We can appreciate qualities without suggesting that being a woman is something to escape.
When we change the way we speak, we also change what we value. When we stop treating beauty, emotion, and intelligence as opposites, we make space for women to be complete. A woman can be strong and gentle, ambitious and kind, confident and caring.
That is why awareness matters. Words shape how we think, and thinking shapes how we act. When we start noticing the hidden meanings behind ordinary speech, we begin to challenge the quiet prejudices that keep inequality alive.
So the next time someone gives a “nice” compliment, pause for a moment and listen carefully. Ask what it really means. Because the most subtle forms of misogyny do not shout, they hide behind politeness. Hence, true equality begins when we learn to tell the difference between being praised and being put down.
Noor ul Sabah
Noor ul Sabah is a feminist researcher focused on intersectional approaches to gender, technology, and governance. Her work explores how power and identity shape experiences of violence, migration, and citizenship.
